# Ch. 3 Further Learning

Our users. They matter.

Peer specialists often wonder how they're supposed to support texters who are experiencing something they've never gone through before. Our approach is rooted in empathy because it allows us to connect with anyone. Being empathetic is about connecting to an emotion, not just an experience, situation, or identity. However, we recognize that people experience the world differently based on their identities, social factors, access to health and many things we can't know. Regardless of who a user is or what they're struggling with, our goal is to create a safe space for them to share their experiences without being met with assumptions or facing judgement. In this section, we'll discuss how we can use our awareness to treat all users with the dignity and respect they deserve.

At the end of this section, you'll be able to:

* Define bias, identity, and mirroring
* Recognize terms users use to identify themselves
* Identify messages that avoid making assumptions
* Describe the type of issues users mention

### Users as Whole People

Users are multifaceted. They are more than their issues and their situation. We embrace users as whole people and acknowledge that everyone experiences life differently based on their identities and circumstances.

### Identity

Identity is the core part of who a person is. Different parts of identity include race, gender, sexuality, class, ability, and more. All humans have multiple identities. We often think of identity as singular, but we know from our experience and from the users we serve that identity is complex. People experience the world differently based on their identities, and it's important to respect how people identify. Because of their identities, some users face racism, sexism, ableism, among other social and financial barriers.

We see users as whole people and acknowledge the identities they choose to share with us. For example, a user who is gay, Asian, and poor experiences life differently than someone who is cisgender, black, and college-educated. We accept users' lived experiences at face value without invalidating them. People are the experts of their own situations.

### Defining Helpful Terms

For some, talking about identity feels natural. For others, different terms we use to identify ourselves can seem new—that's ok. Here are basic definitions of some terms used in this section

[Untitled](https://www.notion.so/d9484825211a4ba990db4f81fa62468a)

We don't need to share a user's identities to be able to empathize supportively with their experiences around them. We also don't need to pretend to understand their situation and identities inside and out. We listen to them and believe their experiences to support them while they lower their emotional intensity.

## Overcoming Assumptions

Reflect on a time you felt like assumptions were made about you. Did those assumptions make you feel seen? Did they make you feel like the person was genuinely trying to get to know you and what you were going through? **Assumptions can make us feel small and unimportant** when they invalidate our identities and experiences. However, it's not only a matter of discomfort; they can also make people feel unsafe.

Assumptions can lead to physical or emotional violence, like in cases of police brutality and sexual assault. By not making assumptions about the user's situation, we can build users up with the empathy and active listening we've discussed. This includes pronouns, experiences, and coping strategies.

### Bias

We live in a world where we make judgements about people based on a limited amount of information we have about them. This is normal and natural. We create categories and associations to sort information. While it's easier for our brain to process information this way, it can lead to us to judge others harshly or misunderstand them all together. **Bias** is our tendency to be either in favor of or against a particular thing. For example, some folks are biased toward people who identify as trans.

Our biases may cause us to make an assumption about the user's situation or offer a referral the user didn't ask for but we believe they need. To create an inclusive space for users, we need to work to acknowledge and overcome our biases, even ones we might not yet know exist. Assumptions and biases appear when we do not actively listen to others' lived experiences.

To overcome assumptions, we have to be aware of them. Most assumptions are based on biases we have that we don't actively think about. Being intentional about the language we use and believing the user's experience as they share it, allows us to give them the best possible support.

Example

> User: My boyfriend isn't responding to me, and it's making me worried. Peer specialist: It's understandable to be anxious waiting for him to respond, especially when it seems like you are such a caring girlfriend.

_We want to avoid making the assumption that the user is female because they have a boyfriend. The user could be any gender, so it's important to use gender-neutral words and pronouns (they/them/theirs) unless a user shares them with you._

### Acknowledging Lived Experiences

We don't make assumptions about where our users come from, who they are, and what's best for them. People come from all sorts of backgrounds with different approaches to stress, mental health, and healing. Let the user share what works form them—remember, they're the expert.

We acknowledge users' lived experiences by validating how they're feeling. We paraphrase to show we're listening and trying to understand their situation the way they're experiencing it.

Example

> Peer specialist: It sounds like getting fresh air usually helps when you're feeling like this. Could you take a walk after our conversation? User: I can't take a walk outside. Police are always around my neighborhood. Peer specialist: That's understandable, but the police only want to protect you and keep you safe.

_We want to avoid giving suggestions whenever possible. Making a suggestion here is not listening to the user's valid perception of the police as dangerous. We wouldn't want to impose our own beliefs about the police. This is much more supportive:_

> Peer specialist: It sounds like getting fresh air usually helps when you're feeling like this. How does that sound after our conversation? User: I can't take a walk outside The police are always around my neighborhood. Peer specialist: It makes sense to feel hesitant to take a walk because you might not want to interact with the police. You deserve to feel safe.

_We don't make suggestions or give advice to the user because we don't know what experiences they've had and what beliefs they hold._

## Putting it All Together: Our Users

When it comes to different topics, we whole-heartedly believe you don't need to be an expert or even have experience with and issue to support users. The best thing you can do is hold space for them to share their pain, try your best to connect to how they're feeling, and mirror their language.

#### Holding Space

Holding space comes into play when users share something really painful or traumatic. Sometimes what a user shares will be difficult for you to hear. Imagine how difficult it is for the user to share. Holding space means exploring with them even if you start to feel a little uncomfortable.

#### Empathizing

Earlier we talked about the difference between sympathy and empathy. Remember, when you empathize, you do your best to put yourself in the user's shoes and respond in a way that's compassionate and supportive. In short, you try your best to take their perspective, even if it's different from your own. We also want to match the user's tone.

#### Mirroring

Using similar language that users use is important so they can see we understand them. This doesn't mean writing "lol" back to a user (we avoid text speak whenever possible). It means being careful not to label users with a term or word they haven't used for themselves. For example, if a user talks about using drugs, we don't want to call them an "addict" if they don't call themselves an addict.

This also isn't about repeating back exactly what the user shared with us (parroting). Instead mirroring is being mindful of our word choice, so that we show users we hear and understand them. Another example of labeling a user would be telling someone they have a disorder they never told us they have, or calling their experience abuse when they haven't called it that. As long as you've actively listened, you'll be able to mirror users' language and match their tone.

#### Recognizing Bias

People have complicated identities and experiences, so none of these are stand-alone issues. Each conversation we have is different, but we always cultivate a safe and supportive space.

Avoid assumptions and accepting users' lived experiences is an important mindset to have. We try to create a safe space that respects identity and validates feelings. Bring your warmest, most empathetic, and least judgemental self to every user, no matter what they may be facing. It is our responsibility to work to be aware of biases that may cause us to make assumptions about users. Meet the user where they're at, listen, and let the texter lead the conversation.

## Experiences Users Mention

We listen with warmth and empathy. Our goal isn't to fix the issue; instead we help the user cope with the emotions associated with the issue. **We don't need to be experts in every subject**.

### Depression/Sadness

Users will often share their feelings of sadness or depression, They may even share a diagnosis of depression (we never diagnose users, regardless of our personal or professional experiences). We validate these feelings in the moment to normalize the feeling of hopelessness. By letting them know it's normal to feel sad in their situation, we aren't encouraging their sadness; we're helping them feel heard.

Depression and sadness can also surface in different ways within the conversation. Users may feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings directly. Some emotional experiences may be easier to talk about as a physical discomfort. We need to validate their pain, listen with a warm tone, and open a conversation about what's making them feel this way. Empathize and remind yourself that the user is not their diagnosis. They are a person living with the disorder or experiencing the mood.

In the discovering next steps stage, brainstorming small ways the user finds joy or relieves pain can provide immediate next steps.

### Isolation/Loneliness

It makes sense for users to reach out to us because they're feeling lonely. This is part of the reason why we don't ask who else the user can talk to, since we might be the only person who knows about their situation. Our goal is to make the user feel less alone by listening to them and holding space for their pain.

Example

> User: I have no one to talk to, and I'm all the time. I have no friends and no one understands me. Peer specialist: You're not alone! Many people have experienced that you're going through.

_We want to make sure we match the user's tone. Avoid arguing with texters about how they weren't alone, insisting the user must have people they can relate to assumes they have a community. For some people, a sense of community can be difficult to find, and there is no easy fix to the isolation of not feeling like you belong_.

Example

> User: I have no one to talk to, and I'm alone all the time. I have no friends and no one understands me. Peer specialist: It's painful to feel isolated from the people around you, and it's not fair to be carrying all this on your own. You deserve to be heard.

#### Eating/Body Image

Our relationships to food and our bodies can be complicated. For some users, eating patterns labeled as "disordered" may come from years of food insecurity, limited access to fresh produce, and more. While for other users, their relationship with food is complicated by social and cultural standards and norms.

We are not here to judge what's behind a user's relationship with food and body image or to label them with a disorder. This is why we listen to and trust the experiences they share with us. With users who want to talk about food and body image, we focus on their feelings. We don't tell them to eat more, or try other behavioral changes—we're not nutritionists. We also want to be careful not to talk about food in terms of morality (i.e. good vs bad) with users. We validate the feelings, not the actions, and we don't make suggestions base on our personal assumptions.

#### Bullying

Bullying takes place when there is an imbalance of power between to or more people. This power often comes from systemic forces (i.e. racism, sexism, fatphobia, ableism) well beyond the control of the person being bullied. While it may feel like bullying only occurs between young people, bullying happens at all ages.

Validate their feelings of isolation, even defeat, and provide Strength IDs. It can also help to emphasize how bullying isn't their fault, and it's not fair they're going through this. While many schools and offices may have anti-bullying procedures, not everyone has access to them. Brainstorm with the user to see what options they have.

#### Grief

Grief can be an extremely painful and isolating experience. It can also be one that leaves someone feeling numb, relieved, or angry. All these feelings are valid, and none of them reflect poorly on the user. Validate their feelings and invite them to elaborate more on what they're going through. This is one time saying "I'm sorry" is appropriate.

Because death is often difficult to discuss, people often don't have the opportunity to talk about their loved ones after they've passed. It can sometimes help to invite the user to share a memory they have of the person if they'd like, or simply ask what they've wanted to talk to someone about since the loss.

Not all grief is caused by the death of a loved one. It is important to remember that people can experience grief over loss in general, or for many other reasons.

Example

> User: My best friend died of an OD last month Peer specialist: Losing someone can bring up a lot of different emotions, and it can feel strange to talk to others about it. What's been on your mind since they passed away?

#### Substance Use

Substance use is a broad term that refers to someone who is using a substance. Substance abuse involves excessive use of a substance that may result in dangerous behavior and/or continued use despite persistent social, psychological, occupational, or health problems.

Substance abuse is often perceived as a moral failing that can be controlled by the person if they really tried or wanted to. This is not true. There are many factors that lead someone to use or abuse substances. Oftentimes, substance use is someone's most accessible coping mechanism.

Supporting a user who struggles with substance abuse is just like supporting any other user: **focus on listening to the thoughts feelings associated with the substance use instead of judging their reasons for using.** You may not need to know all the details about why a user is using substances to be able to support them.

Users who are dealing with substance use have likely experienced shame and stigma. It's extremely important to be nonjudgemental, nondirective, and empathetic toward all the user's emotions.

#### Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

The LGBTQIA+ community includes people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questions, intersex, asexual, and other identities on the sexuality and gender spectrums. These users, like all users, are typically setting acknowledgement, respect, and support.

Coming out, telling yourself or others about your minority sexual or gender identity, is a challenging experience for many. However, not everyone has the experience of coming out due to stigma and norms. **Even if someone has not come out**, **their LGBTQIA+ identity is valid**.

Here are some key elements to keep in mind:

* There is no need to bring up sexual orientation or gender identity unless the texter wants to talk about it. Just because a user states that they are LGBTQIA+ doesn't mean this is a pressing issue for them.
* Being transgender is about gender identity, not sexual. Transgender individuals' gender identification is inconsistent with their sex assigned at birth. Like everyone else, their sexual orientation can fall anywhere on the human sexuality spectrum (i.e. straight, gay, lesbian, pansexual, bisexual, etc).
* Never push users to come out as LGBTQIA+. Always mirror their language instead of labeling them with something they aren't comfortable with.
* Some users won't have anyone else to talk to. Positive coping skills may include seeking out LGBTQIA+ friendly social and support networks.

For all of these experiences, our mindset and approach stays the same: we meet the user where they're at and avoid making assumptions by allowing the user to lead.

#### Relationships

Users often face conflict from their friends, family members, co-workers, and romantic partners. Our first reaction to hearing about relationships is often to think about our own. Be mindful of your own assumptions here. For example, if you're comfortable communicating your feelings to close family members, it may be tempting to say something like:

Example

> User: Things are a wreck at home. Everyone's fighting and I just want to escape. No one understands me. Peer specialist: It sounds like you and your parents are fighting right now, but they care about you and have your best interests in mind.

_This message makes a few assumptions. "Home" may not refer to a place someone lives with family; this user could be livng in a shelter or another living arrangement. Similarly, many people don't live with two parents for many reasons, including incarceration, divorce, and death. We want to avoid invalidating the user's experience of distress._

Example

> Peer specialist: It sounds like many of your relationships are changing, and it can be hard to navigate this uncertainty. I can tell how much you care about those around you.

#### Abuse

Abuse can come in many forms (i.e. physical, sexual, emotional) but it's not always easy to identity. Like bullying, abuse is a product of unhealthy power dynamics and control. For example, someone who feels continually belittled by their partner could be experiencing emotional abuse, but because there's no physical abuse, it may be harder to recognize.

When talking with users experience abuse, it's critical to validate their feelings. No one deserves to be abused, and the users deserves to feel safe.

Example

> Peer specialist: It sounds like you've been dealing with this for a while, and you shouldn't have to go through this. You deserve to feel safe and supported.

If a user is describing a situation that might resemble abuse, be sure to mirror their language—don't label something as abuse or abusive if the user doesn't label it first. Check in about their safety, brainstorm ways to cope in the moment, and explore how they may be able to stay safe if the abuse or behavior happens again. Throughout this conversation, give them plenty of strength IDs and validations. You don't need to know about all the details of the abuse to support them.

\<aside> 💡 _when to report abuse?_

\</aside>

Example

> Peer specialist: Reaching out for support today shows and incredible amount of strength. You've been resilient through all of this, even though it's not fair you've had to be.

**Sexual violence** is another form of abuse. Survivors/victims of sexual assault experience a wide range of emotions, including shame, guilt, anger, numbness, and isolation. There's no right or wrong way of responding after a sexual assault. Some people might be feeling hypersexual, show signs of mania, or shut down. Meet the user where they're at, understanding that the feelings after a sexual assault can be confusing and complex. Normalizing their feelings provides the survivor a safe space to express what they're going through. It's also important to stress that you believe the user, reassure them that what happened wasn't their fault. This is critical because, unfortunately, most people they encounter after the assault will question them. Here are some helpful phrases:

> Peer specialist: You're incredibly strong for speaking up about this. I believe you and it can be terrifying to share such an awful experience. Peer specialist: It's normal to feel that this is your fault, but no one ever deserves to be assaulted, no matter what they have done. Peer specialist: I'm here to listen. Your feelings about this are valid. Can you tell me more about these feelings?

**Domestic Violence** can be another type of abuse a user is phasing. We define domestic violence (DV) as physical harm, sexual assault, or fear of physical harm from a spouse or intimate partner. According to the CDC, about 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 10 men have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.

Users reaching out about this type of violence might mention words like beaten, threatened, and manipulated. It's important to note that domestic violence goes beyond the physical. As with all users, we aren't here to tell users experiencing domestic violence what to do. We want to validate how they're feeling them and support them regardless of what they decide to do in their situation.

Example

> User: My partner said next time he won't be so nice. I don't know what to do. Peer specialist: It can feel isolating when no one understands how hard it is to consider leaving. It sounds like you're scared your partner might hurt you if you try to leave. Is that right? User: yeah but i can't leave...i'm afraid of what might happen. I have to think about my kids. Peer specialist: I'm here for you, no matter what you decide. We can work together on ways you can stay safe.
